posted originally on station456.tumblr.com on May 1st, 2012
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My God I’m so proud of this stupid-stupid story.
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Space.
A spaceship.
The future.
Year 5389.
Yes.
Mike and Ike walk down the aisle of their assigned spaceship for school, in space, because it’s 5389. It is their 6th day of school of their 8th grade year. The two kids are twin brothers, and often get themselves into trouble. Their mother was sure to tell them to behave themselves before they jumped on the Transfar to get to school. The kids are both rather attractive young men with messy brown hair and golden skin, dressed in jeans and red and blue shirts respectively. They tend to be rather immature, and are the type that makes things into a joke as much as they can.
The first five days were typical beginning-of-school blow-off days: The rules are given out, people introduce themselves, and the way that the class is going to work is discussed. Today, as Mr. Klug, their teacher, informed them, is the start of actual work.
Space Carrier C’s curriculum demands that the teachers start out with a bang, discussing the most important topic in their history class. This important topic is also a heavy, mature topic, which is why it is saved for students in eighth through twelfth grade.
“Alright students, quiet down.” Mr. Klug says. “Just about everything I’m teaching you in this class is rather important. There are some exceptions: Your principal makes me teach some really pointless trash.” This caused a few laughs in the room. “But what you’re going to be learning over the next two weeks or so, is extra important.”
“Sir, we know about the… birds and the bees.” Mike jested. What a clown.
“Very funny, Mike. I especially enjoy how you took into account that this is History class. Ya know, a class where we don’t learn about sex.” Mr. Klug’s retort to Mike made the other kids laugh. “Does your buddy next to you have anything to add?” Mr. Klug replied, half-jokingly, half-annoyed.
“Uh, well, sex is funny and stuff is all I have to add I guess…” Ike added, in an attempt to make some self-deprecating humor.
“Yes, well, moving on.” Mr. Klug smiled, and then his face turned to a more serious expression. “We’re learning about The War of the End, students.”
***
Canada; December 27th, Year 4559:
“Sir… our plan is flawless. It’s brilliant!” The Prime Minister’s assistant said to, well, the Prime Minister.
“Yes… well, my agents are suspecting that some people are catching whim of this and making their way over to our country. I say welcome them! We’ll have enough room for as many people as this country can reasonably sustain.”
“We’re keeping the plan the same, yes, sir?”
“Indeed. We’re going to send a spaceship to each major providence, and transport all of the people to this area as quickly as possible throughout the day! Then, we’re off to the moon, and our Space Carriers! A new life, for everyone! We’re done with this war! We’ve always been this obedient, docile little country, so one would assume that we would be screwed, but we are not! WE ARE THE COUNTRY INITIATING THE WAR OF THE END RECOVERY PLAN!”
“Haha, sir! Sir! Could you ever even imagine America doing something like this?!”
“Bahaha! HA! That Capitalism-obsessed country! “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, BRO” is what they say! This is our fullest representation of universal healthcare yet! OOOOOH YES!”
***
“And that, students, is how humanity lived on through The War of the End.”
“So it was all Canada?” Mike asked, with a smile on his face. “Those wusses?” Ike followed up with.
“Yup. Hopefully your English teacher also teaches you about Irony, to coincide with this lesson.”
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