~~ the following is a piece I did for the 2012-13 school year of "The Ram Pride," Ringgold High School's school newspaper ~~
Barrack Obama is rolling out new gun legislation.
What's odd is that the new legislation does not seem to be a reaction to the
disaster at Sandy Hook Elementary School, in which a madman wielding an assault
rifle gunned down twenty children and six adults. No, this new wave of gun law
proposals focuses on a five-year-old girl in Pennsylvania, who said, according
to CNN, "I'll shoot you, you shoot me, and we'll all play together." It
is reported that she was referring to a Hello Kitty bubble gun.
Barrack Obama is pushing a ban on military-style
bubble guns, assuring Americans that concealed bubble guns for home defense and
bubble guns intended for hunting will remain perfectly legal. Barrack Obama is
also pushing for a maximum of four fluid ounces for containers of bubble soap.
There is outrage from both the left and the right. Piers
Morgan is outraged at this new legislation, claiming that what the president
should be focusing on is restrictions on what Morgan calls "actual guns." The National Rifle
Association is outraged, but from a different perspective. The NRA believes
that the president is infringing upon American children's second amendment
rights to defend against robbers on the playground.
Barrack Obama has said that he understands many
American's desire for a ban on assault rifles and large clips, but has said
that the country needs to focus on the "true issue" first. The
President has said that he has spoken with eye doctor Richard Starr about the
negative effects of bubble soap in children's eyes. Starr says that bubble soap
coming in direct contact with children's eyes halts the development of their
vision. Barrack Obama says that taking away the bubble guns will force bullies
on the playground to use finger guns instead, which the President claims are "much
less damaging." When asked about a ban on finger guns, the President fears
that removing children's fingers will decrease overall proficiency in
handwriting.
Americans are overwhelmingly against the President
on this issue. In response, the President said "My propositions have a
higher approval rating than congress, which is probably pretty good,
right?"
-only
the first quote from CNN is real; the contents of this article are fictional
and satirical-
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